With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
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Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?