New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
You Might Also Like
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.