A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?