Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.