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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.