quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
mood
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”