My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Holy moly
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.