Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe