I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no