Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
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who wants to go expliring
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week