[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no