Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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