“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
This is true.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right