so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
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8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.