Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
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i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%