My patronus is a cheeseburger
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Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING