I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
#StillHurts