New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
#Thanos #MondayMood
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.