My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
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*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.