why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE