I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Yes, but it was never about money
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.