Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.