Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
You Might Also Like
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Going to church you guys need anything
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
me hitting on a model
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills