I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
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Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?