Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
You can’t rush stupid.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Noted.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”