Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
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*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho