Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
spicy snake
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.