Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
who wore it better?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN