Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
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i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol