So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
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me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Nose
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width