They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs