This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
This rocks
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.