WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
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Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
seems fine
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads