After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
#SaturdayBears
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees