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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.