[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.