My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”