Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
This is me
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.