EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
You Might Also Like
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.