How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Mmmm canned fish.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No