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Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.