I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
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Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I love twitter
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful