“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
This 4th of July, please remember…
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN