Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
A French press is when you hug naked
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.