I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
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Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.