The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism