i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order