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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
my first dose meeting my second
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?