This is my emotional support knife.
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Ok who’s got my black socks?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago