It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you